Looking Outside
Sitting in the room with lawyers there
One from CPS
One that was supposed to help me
The papers were there
Give my kids up or fight
The soldier said fight like hell
The mother said do what is best for
The kids.
The kids? What would they think?
Would they understand why I did what I did?
Hopefully they would one day.
With a heavy heart, I signed the forms
Giving my kids to the cousins for a
Better life.
Years passed, the contact that
Was supposed to happen never did
My husband and I
Learned to go on
Trying to work
Being told that my disability was
A reason for being fired
Then the phone rang
“What are you doing on Saturday?”
My cousin’s wife said.
“Nothing why?”
“S will be landing at SeaTac at 2.
Be there to pick S up. We can’t handle her anymore.”
Not asked - told what to do.
3 day’s to get a one bedroom ready
S was picked up by a family member
Brought to my house
Now a stranger but my oldest child
The same.
Soon the pattern set in
School, homework, a family again
Got upgraded to a 2 bedroom
Went to school for myself
Found my daughter in Facebook
We messaged each day
On how the job search was going
My school work
Then the threat
“Raise your voice to me again
I’ll break your jaw.”
Told S to leave
Years passed
S called and wanted to restart our relationship
But she wanted to start it with a lie.
Looking out the window,
I wish I had been a better parent
Yet, I can’t change the past.
I can’t change the decision that
I made all those years ago.
